Remembering
by Seresid
Summary: A look into Lily's past, starting from that fateful letter. And of course, who would Lily be without James? LilyJames.


YAY! An update. My first try at LilyJames, and I think I did pretty well. Huge cookies for **Zayz. **Without her, this story would be about seven hundred words shorter, and nowhere near as good.

I noticed that I tend to write flashbacks. Weird. Oh well, enjoy!

**Remembering**

I was young and not as mature as I am now when it all started. I was eleven when I got the letter. The letter of course, being one of the key points of the change in my life. And by now, we all should know what that piece of paper, sent to me by an owl contained. It was a letter that opened my eyes to a previously unseen world, one that the more illogically thinking part of my brain had perhaps already known about. The world of magic. I remember being so surprised at the owl that came and tapped my window. Of course, being uninformed as I was, I thought it was some kind of trick, or figment of my imagination. I finally admitted to myself that it wasn't, after the owl persistently tapped on my window for a full ten minutes. I raised my window, letting the owl in. It strutted to me almost indignantly and I remember thinking that if owls had facial expressions, this one would bear a huffy one, with its nose up in the air. A leg was jutted out at me, and I cautiously untied the letter, my curiosity getting the better of me. I looked at the letter, inspecting the seal and writing with great interest. It looked very formal, important. I opened the letter, feeling a little bad at ruining the seal. I read and reread the delicate calligraphy, not quite believing what I'd eagerly taken in. The rest, as is commonly said, is history.

After my introduction into the amazing world of magic, another, maybe even bigger factor of my change was shoved into my face. Yes, we should all know what—excuse me, who I'm talking about. James Potter. I didn't start out hating him as most people think. In fact, I recall my first thought upon seeing him was that he had nice eyes. They were hazel, in a shade that I particularly liked. Not that I wanted to admit it; I was only eleven at the time. The root of my supposed hatred for James Potter is an enigma, even to me. We constantly fought back then, and though I had a big enough conscience to feel a slight twinge of guilt, my competitiveness overpowered any thoughts of apologizing. Like I said before, I was young. And I stayed in this mindset for a while.

During second year, Alice Prewett and I became best friends. We formed a huge bond over first year, but I was reluctant to call her my 'best friend' before she did. I regarded her as a sister, because the one I had back home wasn't as welcoming. The one thing that peeved me about Alice though was the mischievous glint in her eye whenever I complained about Potter. Back then at twelve, I had no idea what it meant and most likely Alice wasn't even aware she was doing it. I shrugged it off as Alice teasing me, and looked for no hidden meaning behind it. Complaints about Potter sprouted from any fault I could find in him; his hair, his attitude, his personality. I was adamant about my hatred for him, and I became known as the girl that hated James Potter.

In third year, I discovered something that Potter was as obstinate about as I was about my hatred. He was constantly asking me out. Night and day, morning and afternoon. It was like he spent all of his waking hours plotting how I was going to fall for him. Which, at that time, was obviously out of the question. Most of his attempts ended in a hex or two from me, accompanied by more than enough insults. Alice told me it seemed like a pastime for the both of us. Which, I guess it was. It was one of the few things that stayed constant during that point of my life.

Throughout fourth year, and most of fifth year, the tension between me and Potter stayed at an increasing rate. I felt as if the whole school was on edge too, and it made me satisfied in an odd way that I could affect the student body like that. Alice became more and more persistent that I liked him underneath all the jinxes I threw at him. She said it with that same twinkle in her eye. I purposefully thought of it as her amusement. Which it partly was.

The end of fifth year was a painful time for me. I broke off my friendship with Severus. It was tough, going through that with him, since he was my first friend in the Wizarding World. I was glad Alice was there for me, even though she hated Slytherins. Right after, another devastating blow struck me. My parents died, and I broke down. I guess Dumbledore understood, since he nor any of my teachers made a comment about how I didn't attend any classes for a week. Oddly enough, upon my return to the outside world (meaning outside my dorm), Potter was one of the first people that approached me. And that was saying a lot since more than half of the Gryffindors were crowded outside my door that day. Since I wasn't up for arguing with him, I tiredly accepted his invitation to talk to me privately. He directed my numb self outside, where the weather seemed like it was mocking my dismal mood. I noticed a lot of people look at us, but he paid them no heed. His eyes were locked onto me, and I felt a bit uncomfortable under scrutiny. When we were out of earshot from everyone else, he spoke.

"I heard about… what happened." He started. I narrowed my eyes. I was going to kill Alice when I got back. And it seemed that James read my mind.

"Don't blame Alice. I… have my own sources." I was puzzled, but eager to get away.

"Look. I know you don't like me, but I just wanted to say that I was in your position a while ago. I thought it would help if you had someone to talk to who knows what it's like." I was truly surprised. I had never heard of this. A nagging voice in my head rang, 'Probably because he didn't spend a week bawling in his room like you did.' I pushed it away, because I flat out refused to admit that James was more mature than me in ANY aspect. So I just nodded and said, "I'll keep that in mind." I didn't need anyone's pity, especially not James'.

In sixth year, James and I mostly avoided each other. It was here that he flat out stopped asking me out. It was an unusual change, but a very welcome one. Or so I thought then. Alice made comments about James occasionally, though I didn't really get worked up about it as I had previously. I thought about his offer more than I liked to admit. At times, the emotional pain overwhelmed me, though I didn't let myself break down. It was especially hard on my parents' death anniversary. It was so challenging keeping my emotions at bay. After dinner in the Great Hall, just when I thought I was doing reasonably well, when a sudden, unexpected wave of emotion hit me, and I felt my heart practically twisting. I excused myself hastily and left the table. I ran to the entrance of the Gryffindor common room, uttered the password (Cinnamon sparker) and collapsed onto one of the comfy chairs. I released all my pent up emotions and cried until I couldn't anymore. A while later, I didn't know how long, the door opened, and I heard someone walk in. I didn't raise my head. It was bad enough that they witnessed me in a fetal position during one of my most vulnerable moments. I felt a hand on my back, and that's when I acknowledged the intruder's presence. I raised my head, and to my surprise, it was James. I tried to suck it up, and forced a glare at him. He smiled at me, and ushered my body over to the side, so hit could sit as well. I reluctantly obliged, and asked him, "Why are you here?" He looked at me seriously, and I almost wanted to turn away. His eyes were so intense.

"I told you, I've been in your position before. Why don't you let me help?" He asked me this in an unexpectedly calm, level-headed way. He didn't seem like he was going to rub anything in. So, just for once, I let him think he won over me, and talked to him about it. A few hours later, I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted over me, and for the first time, I genuinely smiled at him. That night was one of the first full nights of sleep I had since my parents' accident. James and I had a bit of an awkward friendship since then.

In seventh year though, lots of things changed. Pot-- James, had in fact grown up. Alice pointed out that my realization was overdue, and I grudgingly agreed with her. It almost shames me to say that perhaps, he had grown up faster than I did. After a bit of soul-searching, I realized that though he'd been more juvenile in his younger years than I'd ever even dreamt of being, he'd also matured fastest out of the both of us. This revelation came as a shock in two ways. One, because I'd always believed myself to be above him, and two because I allowed myself to think of him in that way. Afterwards, I was left dazed and confused for my feelings for James. Because even though it was very well-known that he had deeper feelings for me, he stopped pursuing me long ago. Even then, I still had not grown, because I only thought of how James was uninterested in me, and not of how he felt when I'd rejected him so many times before. I was consoled however, that he was willing to keep our budding friendship alive. It helped more than hurt that we lived in the same dorm together.

During this time, James never made any advances towards any other girl. I didn't notice this however, until afterwards, though that is a story for later. He remained happily single, or at least, that's how it appeared to me. I was reluctant to think of James in any other way than I thought of him then, because that meant complicating our relationship, which was something I wasn't eager to do. Even though my heart was whispering almost inaudibly, I chose to ignore it, not wanting to take any type of risk.

Ironically enough, it was one of James' fan girls that brought me around to unveiling a totally different spectrum that my heart had been telling me about. It was a warm March day and I was sitting along the lake with my feet reveling in the cool contrast of the water, when Jennifer Green approached me. I can't say I wasn't surprised, because we never had any previous interactions, though we knew who each other were. She regarded me in a way that reminded me of that first owl, indignant and haughty, with her nose up into the air. It was almost comical, the way she looked. Her mouth started moving, and I struggled to comprehend what she was saying. "… _rejected_ me. Told me that I wasn't _good_ enough, that he's waiting for someone. At first I thought it was you, but everyone knows that you two are _sooo_ over. I mean, when was the last time he asked you out? _Fifth_ year?" She scoffed and I caught myself thinking that it annoyed me whenever she emphasized her words. Her mouth started forming words again though, and as much as I found I didn't care for what she said, my manners overtook the urge to ignore her and I tuned back in. "… who else could he like? I mean, he hasn't asked out any girls this _whole_ term. It's like he's trying to break a record for how long a guy can stay single. I mean, who stays _single_ for long these days anymore?" Lily noticed that she tended to repeat beginnings of her sentences, and added it to her list of pet peeves about Jennifer Green. "… Head Girl and you've been living with him for almost a _year_ now! So I was wondering if you know, if you knew who he's interested in, so like, I could take care of any _competition_." I raised a brow at this. I pushed down an unfamiliar feeling deep inside me. It felt as though I regretted something, and it wasn't fun. It was almost like… jealousy. Of whom, though? Jennifer Green? I eyed her, taking in her features. Sure, she was pretty, with her long blond hair billowing in the wind around her tiny features. She was almost pixie-like. I didn't care much for her physical attributes though, and our one-sided conversation showed me that there was nothing to be coveted about her mentality. And then suddenly, it hit me. The realization wasn't something I wanted to share with Jennifer Green though, and so I ran off, leaving with a rushed apology.

I sped to find Alice, glad that I came across no one, for all of them were too busy enjoying the weather. I found her with her boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, and tore them away from each other. Alice looked peeved at me at first, though her expression changed to one of smug triumph as I poured out my thoughts on her, as best friends usually do. You see, Alice had long told me that I was secretly in love with James, and though I was slow to actually accepting it, I couldn't deny that now, after this choppy admission, that it was true. I was in love with James Potter. I repeated it to Alice and found that it was much easier said the second time. Of course, I was still too afraid to say this to the one person that needed to hear it the most.

I kept my secret to myself, and the whole time, it ate at me. Not to mention all the encouragement I got from Alice. She wasn't teasing whenever she gave me advice like she did before. She was genuinely interested in uniting this unrequited love of mine. And she was probably tired of all my pacing and over-thinking in the girls' dorm. Nightly patrols along with James didn't help much either. I assumed he was getting the feeling that something was up with me after a while, because he straight up just asked me one night.

"Lily, what the hell is wrong with you? You've been on edge for about a month now. You're practically twitching!" He looked truly perplexed. I vaguely wondered what he was thinking as I avoided looking him straight in the eye.

"Er… it's nothing James. Just… the thought of leaving Hogwarts is taking a toll on my nerves." I replied. It wasn't a complete lie. The castle had become a home away from home for me and being shoved into the outside world wasn't a favorable thought. James looked down at me (he was a considerable height taller) and nodded understandingly. "Yeah, I get what you mean. I really don't want to leave either." At this, he placed his hands behind his head and we resumed our patrol, silent for the most part.

After that night, I felt downright pathetic. I couldn't admit that I loved James _to _James. I resolved to at least try. My attempts were usually during our patrols. But every time, I chickened out, and changed the subject to something else.

Of course, I told Alice about all my failed attempts, and she just gave me the 'you-love-the-guy-why-can't-you-just-tell-him look.' I really had nothing to retaliate with, because in retrospect, I did have the many opportunities to tell him how I felt. I spent an especially frustrating day being irritable, not unlike my behavior a few years back after one of my spats with James. When my classes were finally over, I sat at lunch with Alice sullenly, poking at my food. I was getting annoyed with myself. I'd always upheld a strong personality and lived for overcoming other's expectations. Why couldn't I think of telling James like just another thing I can benefit from? Oh right. Because at the time, I was still unsure of how James felt about me. I stayed there for a while, thinking how pathetic I'd become. And the more I thought, the more I became angry at myself. It was obvious James had matured, and it was even more obvious that I'd fallen for him somewhere along the way. Resolving an inner battle within myself, I stood in my seat and walked over to where James sat with his friends.

It was Sirius that noticed me first, and tapped James' shoulder. He turned in my direction and I smiled sheepishly at him, motioning with my head to leave the Great Hall with me. He excused himself from the table, and I walked on ahead, expecting him to follow. I stopped in the shadows right outside the Great Hall and James came after me a few seconds later. He smiled as he approached, and I felt myself smile back. He stopped a few feet in front of me, and I found myself staring deeply into those hazel eyes I'd fallen in love with the first time I saw them. I was glad that I could admit these things to myself now; they made everything so much easier.

After a while, James broke the silence. "So Lily, why'd you bring me out here?" The question barely registered in my mind, but I caught myself quickly enough to think of a response. Nothing instantly came to me though, and I leaned towards him. Closer… and closer. I think I faintly whispered, "This…" before closing the small space between our lips. At first I could tell James was surprised, his surprisingly soft lips were a bit stiff against mine. After a while though, he relaxed into it, holding my weight up as my knees gave out. I won't say that I knew all there was to know about kissing, because I didn't. James did though, and for once I was somewhat thankful of all the experience he'd had. Somewhere in the back of my mind I decided that none of those other girls mattered, because right then, I was the one in James' arms, and that was all I needed.

Now, two years from my first kiss with James, I'm milling about, making sure everything is set. Alice tells me not to worry; that it'll be perfect. I can't help it though; flitting in and out keeps my nerves at bay. Tired of my restlessness, Alice sits me down in a comfortable chair, telling me to stay. I reluctantly sit there, a bit impatient. I finger a piece of my dress while waiting. Finally, Alice signals that it's time, and I get up and walk, a bit hurriedly, to stand on the altar, and watch my best friend get married.

* * *

Didn't see that one coming, eh? xD Don't forget to review on your way out! 


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